Attached
Amir Levine
Summary
How our roles in relationships are dictated by attachment styles, coming from childhood development research. Key lesson - everyone is either secure, anxious or avoidant and how to use that knowledge to have better relationships
Rating: 5/5
Notes
There are 3 main attachment styles; secure, anxious and avoidant that parallel those found in kids
Studies show once we have become attached to someone, two of us become one physiological unit where our parent can regulate our homeostasis
The dependency paradox: if you want to take the road of independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel it with them
Our physical health can be comprised when we’re in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t provide a secure base
I tend to be b/w secure and avoidant attachment style (more avoidant)
Last relationship was an avoidant attachment style and 2 avoidants rarely end up together
#1 rule for deciphering attachment style is the need for intimacy/closeness. If they tend not to need it, more avoidant. If they crave it, more anxious
Never be afraid to express your needs, thoughts and feelings to your partner
Listen and look for what he/she is not saying or doing (watch their actions, not words)
‘All happiness or unhappiness solely depends on the quality of the object to which we are attached by love’ - Barch Spinoza
People w/ anxious attachment style tend to jump to conclusions quietly and when they do they tend to misinterpret the other person’s emotional state
The more attuned to your partner’s needs at the earliest stages and he/she to yours, the less energy you will need to expand attending to him/her later
Finding a secure partner is the best option is you are single
To thrive and grow as humans, we need a secure base to derive strength and comfort. For that to happen, our attachment system must be calm and secure
Avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently and for longer periods of time
Avoidants don’t date each other; they’re more likely to date people w/ different styles
When dating, ask ‘can this person provide what I need to be happy?’
Start expressing your needs so you can be your authentic self and see if your partner will meet these needs early on in the relationship or not
Secure people tend to seem boring and less dramatic at first but they have a calm attachment system and are likely to make you happier in the long run
For avoidant people, the key to happiness is when experiences are meaningful when shared with others
Avoidants tend to see the glass half empty instead of half full
De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support
As an avoidant, find a secure partner
Forget about the ‘one’ and make someone your soul mate by allowing them to get close
Secure people are great conflict busters, mentally flexible, effective communicators and not game players
To become secure, be available, don’t interfere and encourage your partner
Avoid the avoidant-anxious pairing (mom & dad) if you can
- This pairing have a rollercoaster effect where the avoidant becomes more available causing the high but then retreats to normal behaviour causing the low
For those w/ anxious/avoidant relationships, getting into the inner circle can actually mean you’re treated worse than a stranger
The inner circle with someone secure is the opposite where you’re a priority and treated nicely
Expressing your needs and expectations to your partner in a direct, non-accusatory manner is an incredibly powerful tool
People’s response to effective communication is always telling
Use effective communication to choose the right partner and to make sure your needs ar emt in the relationship
State what you want without any apologies of being who you are and communicating your needs
If you are avoidant, use effective communication when you feel the need to bolt
5 principles of effective communication:
- Wear your heart on your sleeve: be authentic and genuine
- Focus on your needs: get your needs across
- Be specific: state exactly what’s bothering you
- Don’t blame: don’t accuse the other person
- Be assertive and non apologetic: your needs are valid
5 secure principles to resolve conflict:
- Show basic concern for the other person’s well being
- Maintain focus on the problem at hand
- Don’t generalize the conflict
- Be wiling to engage
- Effectively communicate feelings and needs
Our happiness is dependent on our partner and vice versa - the two are linked
Express your fears during a fight and don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking
Remember, people have very different capacities for intimacy
A relationship should make you feel more self confident and give you peace of mind
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How the World Works
Noam Chomsky
Summary
A combination of books Chomsky wrote in the 80s and 90s about America and it's role in the world. Fascinating read and insight into one of the great thinkers of the 21st century
Rating: 5/5
Notes
The US invaded Greece in 1947 and supported a horrendous war which led to 160k Greek deaths. This was the model for Vietnam and allowed American business to gain and thrive
US policies in the 3rd world consistently opposed democracies if they couldn’t be controlled as real democracies believe government should respond to the needs of their own population rather than those of US investors
US-run contra forces in the 3rd world isn’t ordering killing - it’s brutal sadistic torture (Nicaragua, El Salvador, Guatemala)
From the Bolshevik revolution in 1917 till the collapse of the communist governments in eastern europe in the 80s, it was possible to justify every US attack as defense against the Soviets
If you want a global system that’s subordinated to the needs of US investors, you can’t let pieces of it wander off. It’s clearly stated in the documents of record
The US wants ‘stability’ meaning security for the upper classes and large foreign businesses
Solid case for impeaching every American president since World War 2 either outright as war criminals or involved in serious war crimes
El Salvador and Nicaragua were not covered by the US media in the 70s when US-supported brutal torture and murder were taking place
In the early 80s, America’s friends slaughtered 10s of thousands of Guatemalans with countless others tortured and raped
After Vietnam, the major US policy goal has been to maximize repression and suffering of countries demonstrated by their violence - blocked other countries from seeking aid
The US regularly carries out or supports aggression
For most of the 20th century, the US was the dominant economic power and used economic warfare as a weapon ranging from illegal embargoes to enforcement of weak IMF rules with their military becoming pre-eminent
The US tries to avoid negotiations with countries as the US fears it will lose and other countries will be better off
When a state has huge debts, it must divert the population from what’s happening and they do this by inspiring fear of our enemies (Russia in Europe)
The real enemy of the US has always been ‘the poor who seek to plunder the rich’. In America, it’s the opposite and has been for generations
‘The war on drugs’ was a manufactured media blitz by the US leadership to distract the population, increase repression in inner cities and build support for attack on civil liberties
The US government blocks international effort to seek peace (Russia and Ukraine)
Major media are large companies owned and interlinked with even larger conglomerates. The market is the advertisers and the product is audiences
The power in the US lies in the hands of people who determine investment decisions as they determine production, distribution and staff the government. They want a passive, quiescent population
The struggle of freedom is never over and requires active and sustained efforts
One important consequence of globalization is it extends the third world model to industrial nations where the average person has their jobs shipped away while the rich and elite continue to amass massive amounts of wealth
We’ve moved to an international state with the IMF, World Bank, G7 & EU, WEF where the general population doesn’t know what’s happening and it doesn’t know it doesn’t know
If the borrowing the US has done was used for constructive purposes like investment or infrastructure, the US would be better off, but it was used to enrich the rich - for consumption, financial manipulation and speculation which are all harmful
The class warfare of the last few decades has successfully weakened popular organizations leaving people to feel isolated
The US is so deeply in debt to the international financial community because of debt that they have a lock on US policy
Many of the large number of security council resolutions vetoed by the US have to do with Israeli aggression or atrocities
Invaders typically use local collaborators to run things for them by playing upon existing rivalries to get onne group to work for them against another
European wars were wars of extermination. If we were to be honest about history, we would simply describe it as barbarian invasion
There has always been racism but it developed as a leading principle of thought in the context of colonialism.
A standard technique of belief formation goes along with oppression
In the US, you’re not allowed to talk about the class differences, which is the real issue
When the US establishment talks about jobs, it means profits for its corporations
The elite are masters and they follow what Adam Smith said about ‘the vile maxim’ - all for ourselves and nothing for anyone else
People who aren’t owners and investors have nothing much to say in the US
Jefferson warned against banking institutions and corporations and said if they grow, aristocrats would’ve won and the revolution would’ve been lost
The ‘Free market’ is for the poor. We have a dual system - protection for the rich and market discipline for everyone else
There’s been a considerable increase in inequality and has the American society moving towards a third world model, thereby seeing increased crime and signs of social disintegration
A huge area of the media is dedicated to diverting people and making them more stupid and passive
There’s nothing individualistic about corporations who are totalitarian in nature
Free trade agreements result in reduced wages for local employees while predominantly benefiting the rich consumer while also destroying unions
Operation Paper Clip imported large number of known Nazi criminals
The American army’s counter-insurgency literature begins with an analysis of the German experience in Europe written with the co-operation of Naxi officials (instruments of statecraft - book)
US involvement in Chile with the coup in 1973 to reduce social democracy
The threat of a good empire is what the US worried about with reforms on uncontrolled capitalism
The US killed a few million people and destoryed 3 countries during the Vietnam war
A huge amount of business propaganda is to create wants
The answers to solve all these issues is to organize. Being alone you can’t do anything but if you join with other people, you can make changes
Under capitalism, investment is supposed to be as risk free as possible. No competition wants free markets - what they want is power
The government subsidizes corporations’ costs, protects them from market risks and lets them keep the profits
There’s never been much difference between the 2 business parties and the differences are disappearing
The CIA has been involved in drug running for generations (the politics of heroin book)
You need something to frighten people with, to prevent them from paying attention to what’s really happening to them. You have to engender fear and hatred
The first world lives in a highly indoctrinated society
Neoliberalism is nothing more than the imperial formula: free markets for you and plenty of protection for me. The rich would never accept it but they’re happy to impose it on the poor
The UN does mostly what US business wants
‘Politics is the shadow cast on society by big business’ - John Devery
If people dedicate themselves to organizing and activism, we’ll gain access to broader audiences
If you extrapolate to the future, it’s very ugly but the point is it’s not inevitable. It can be changed but we can’t change things till we understand them.
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